Writers can get into all kinds of trouble by letting other words or phrases come between words that are related and should be kept near each other. It’s easy to let this happen:
• We offer a free trip to Las Vegas to the top salesperson that will never be forgotten. Rewrite to put “free trip to Las Vegas” close to “that will never be forgotten”: We offer the top salesperson a free trip to Las Vegas that will never be forgotten.
In the next example it’s hard to be sure what was controversial, the article or the magazine:
• The original “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” article in Rolling Stone magazine, which was highly controversial at the time, appeared in 1971. To make it clear, rewrite so that related words are close together: The original “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” article appeared in 1971 in Rolling Stone magazine, which was highly controversial at the time. Or, if this is what was meant: The original “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” article, highly controversial at the time, appeared in Rolling Stone magazine in 1971.
When related words are allowed to drift apart, things sometimes become very confused:
• Phil will give a PowerPoint show in the clubhouse, to which all residents 18 and older are invited, on “My Bachelor Party in Las Vegas With Stu, Alan and Doug,” Tuesday at 8 p.m. Probably the best way to rewrite this bad boy is to break it into two sentences: On Tuesday at 8 p.m., Phil will give a PowerPoint show in the clubhouse on “My Bachelor Party in Las Vegas With Stu, Alan and Doug.” All residents 18 and older are invited.
